I feel so low today & for no reason at all. In fact i haven't felt much better in a long time now. I'm turning into some kind of a nihilist. I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I do all cheerful stuff. I keep busy, i listen to cheerful music, i avoid watching depressing movies, i give up reading books that depress me midway through even though i hate doing that. But still there are days like this when i just wake up feeling low. On days like this what is least likely to make me feel worse is just staying in bed, doing nothing, maybe listening to some music, nothing with words that i can relate to, the more complicated the better. I used to seek out company, but it doesn't help. All the company i can get are friends with whom i end up talking about the impending doomsday, or friends who have everything figured out & going right who make me want to just dig a hole a bury my head in it. I miss the people who don't live here anymore, almost all the people i used to like are gone, each to a different corner of the world. That is one of the reasons why growing older is so hard, you make fewer freinds & the friends that you had keep going away here & there, they get jobs, they get married, things all change somehow.
Anyway, i got to pick myself up now. I have a mock test to appear for in 2 hours. I need to start studying, i haven't studied in 5 days. In fact it is only when i study that i stop feeling like this. How weird it is that what should be the most depressing activity is the one that keeps me from losing it. I miss school & college sometimes, it was kind of nice to have to go there everyday, attend classes & stuff. Yeah college was never too good for me, mostly because i hated all the people there, but at least it kept me occupied. I can't wait to get back to that life again.